Ectopic Pregnancy

This is going to be a really hard story to write. It all started about 2 weeks ago. It was on a saturday and I was in the middle of cooking dinner for my husband. I was so proud of it because everything was homemade and I had put a lot of time and prep work into it. All of a sudden I start getting really sharp pains in my right side. It hurt too much to stand so I thought I would go and try to use the restroom. I never imagined that I would spend the next 7 hours back and forth between the bathroom and couch. I thought I was just severely constipated or had really bad gas pains. I want to say that my husband was super supportive and helped me but he didn't. He thought I was over exaggerating and was just a complete jerk the whole time. I had to drive myself up to the store and bought a jug of apple juice and stool softeners hoping to fix my problem. On the way back home, it hurt so bad, that I was screaming and crying at the same time. I even used an enema for the first time. Bless the people who invented that thing. I know it sounds super gross, but by the time your pain level gets from "Man, this really hurts." to "Give me the freaking enema!!" You don't care how gross it is, or how dumb it sounds. You only care about if it will work. Now I forgot to mention that this entire time was also filled with lots and lots of throwing up. And I don't mean I leaned over the toilet and threw up and felt better. I'm talking about hanging over the bathtub and throwing up at least 8 different times. By the time I was finished, I was throwing up something that was black and tasted like acid.
Fast forward to Sunday, I was feeling somewhat better, but not completely. Brandon was making a trip to Brookville and wanted me to go with him so he could keep an eye on me. I figured it was a 2hr round trip, so I would be fine. Wrong. Not even 30 min into the trip, my stomach started acting up again. We had to find a truck stop where I spent the next 45 min with really bad diarrhea. We finished the trip and headed home. That wasn't before brandon fell completely out of his truck. I mean that literally. He turned around to climb out of the semi, lost his footing, and fell straight down. Banged his body up pretty good. Thankfully he was ok though. So we get home, I grab a hot water bottle, and fall asleep.
Monday, I wasn't feeling too terrible, but I was exhausted from everything so I called off of work. By this point I thought I might be getting some type of flu bug, and I didn't want to pass it around. But overall, it went by pretty uneventful.
Now Tuesday is where things really start happening. I wake up and get ready for work like usual. I make it through the morning meeting, and go to my desk. Out of nowhere, the pain in my right side comes back, and with a vengeance. I realize that I'm literally sitting at my desk, rocking back and forth, and crying my eyes out. I went in to my boss's office and asked if I could go to Urgent Care. The only reason I was going is because you can't take off 2 days in a row without a Dr.'s excuse, and there was no way I could wait to see my regular Dr. So 20min and $75 later, I'm sitting in the waiting room bawling my eyes out. By this point, I can't stand straight, walk straight, and I can't take a deep breath.
The Dr. finally calls me back and I explain my problem. She thinks it might be kidney stones and asks me to give a urine sample. A few minutes later she comes back in and says "Well your urine came back fine with no problems. But the pregnancy test is positive" I can remember her exact words and I remember sitting there afterwards and feeling absolutely nothing but shock. I didn't even have time to get excited because her next words were " You need to go get bloodwork and an ultrasound done asap because it is more than likely ectopic".
Ectopic pregnancy is where the baby develops and grows inside a woman's fallopian tube instead of her uterus. There is no hope for the baby, and if it goes too long, can be very life threatening for the mother. Oh how true those words are.
Even though I was supposed to go get bloodwork done, I left Urgent Care and went home. I was in so much pain that the thought of sitting in another waiting room was unbearable. I went home, curled up with a hot water bottle, and called my BFF Sarah in Ft. Wayne. After talking with her, I decided to use the restroom before I went for bloodwork. I remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror, and leaning over the sink, and just praying. I didn't beg God to let me keep my baby, I only prayed that if I was MEANT to keep the baby, would he please take care of us and make it possible. Looking back, I think subconsciously I knew what the outcome was going to be. But nevertheless, I prayed.
After my bloodwork, I went to get my ultrasound. It was extremely uncomfortable because of the amount of pain I was in. Afterwards, a radiologist comes in and tells me that not only is it an ectopic pregnancy, but that it has ruptured and my entire right side is filled with fluid and bloodclots and I need to go straight to the E.R. The nurse walks me to the door and asks if I have anybody to go with me and I told her that no, my husband is a truck driver and he won't be home until Friday. She starts crying for me. Actually crying. Which makes me start crying. So I rush out to my car and just put my head against the steering wheel and cry like I've never cried before. I cried so loud that if someone were walking by my car, they would have heard me. I finally call my mom and explain the situation and ask if she'll go with me.
I check in at the ER and i'm admitted and in a room within 15min. Thankfully my dr. called ahead of time and told them I was coming. Next thing I know, my sister shows up. So it's me, my mom, and sister, inside a cramped ER cubicle with all kinds of people coming in and out wanting information, insurance, signatures, bloodwork, etc. At one point, I was answering questions to a nurse, when another nurse comes up behind me and literally whips my shirt and bra off. HELLO?!?! I could have done that myself!
A little later, they gave me morphine which completely took the pain away. Unfortunately, I didn't like the way it made the rest of my body feel, but I was just thankful for the pain relief. Next they wheel me in for another ultrasound because the previous one never got transferred to the ER. I think what happened next was half part me being doped up, and half part me just being dumb lol But I remember laying there staring at the ceiling and hearing this loud whooshing sound. The same sound you hear when a plane flies over a building you're in. And I was talking out loud and said, "wow is that an airplane?" And the technician says "well actually, it's the blood flow to your right ovary." To which I replied "well, that was my second guess" LOL I felt like a complete idiot.
When I get back to my room, my dad shows up. I was doing fine up until that point. I look at him and he's crying. Which of course makes me want to cry as well. Not to mention that my husband is in a complete different state at this point. A lady comes in and says she needs more blood because she didn't take enough the last time. She gets so far as to put the needle in, and 2 other people rush in and say "You need to stop. They need her in surgery NOW" Which of course freaks all of us out, even the lady drawing my blood. So next thing I know, i'm being rushed down a hallway, into an elevator, and into a room on the 2nd floor where I meet the Dr performing the surgery and the anesthesiologist. They go over what they're going to do, and off I go! My surgery nurse Jason was really nice. We were making conversation and he told me his wife was 10 weeks pregnant. I could tell he was nervous about telling me, but I told him congratulations. So i'm laying on the table and the anesthesiologist puts an oxygen mask over my face and says "Sweet dreams. Think of the biggest, bluest ocean you can and picture yourself there." Instead, I remember thinking of Brandon hugging me, and then I was out.
I woke up in the recovery room and could instantly remember everything that had happened. What was irritating was that I still had the breathing tube thing up my nose which kind of burnt when I breathed. I had sticky residue around my mouth, and found out it was from the tape that had held the breathing tube in my throat. The only other people in the room were two nurses. They came over to help cover me up and I remember saying "Excuse my legs. I've been in extreme pain the last few days, and the last thing on my mind was shaving" And one of the nurses said "Oh honey what are you talking about? It's winter, you should see my legs!" It felt pretty good to have something to smile about for once that day. Then the other lady tells me that I have a whole fan club waiting for me upstairs. I remember saying "Let me guess....2 parents, one sister, 2 grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and 2 cousins?" The lady laughed and said "Yeah pretty much!" I knew who was here because that's how my family is. We show up for everything with each other.
So they wheel me out of recovery and head to a private room on a different floor. I can remember going past the waiting room and seeing my grandpa and one of my cousins out in the hallway. Once I was in my room, my whole family comes in and starts filling me in on the surgery.
My fallopian tube was actually larger than my uterus. Plus I had massive scar tissue and adhesions throughout the area. The Dr. removed my right fallopian tube completely, and tried to salvage the left one. I still have it, but it is extremely rough, and bumpy, and crooked apparently.
Around 1130pm they discharge me and I went to my parents house. I immediately call  Brandon who starts crying his eyes out and keeps saying that he did this to me and how it was all his fault. It took forever to calm him down. Then the next day, I'm about to fall asleep, and I hear a really familiar voice. I look up at my sister and said "Did I just hear who I think I did?" And then in walks Brandon. He arranged it with his job to come home the rest of the week to take care of me. I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life.
So he took me home and pampered me like you wouldn't believe. I didn't have to reach for anything, do anything, dress myself, nothing. It was great. Well, except that I was in major pain the whole time. They gave me 800mg Ibuprofen, and percocet which helped but I hated the way it made me feel. I felt really heavy and dizzy and felt like I could fall over at any moment. And I was already laying down! I don't see how people get addicted to them. I really don't.
So that's my story. Emotionally, I'm ok. I guess it was a blessing that I didn't know about the pregnancy ahead of time. I didn't have the chance to bond. I try not to think about it, because regardless of how little or far along I was, I still lost a baby. A baby that I've worked almost a year to have. And it was taken from me within hours. I know it's not the same as a mother who has a stillborn, or a long term miscarriage, but it was still a baby. My baby. And it's gone.


There are 2 songs that come to mind whenever I think back on this event. One if fact was playing when I got in the car after finding out I needed to go to the E.R. Here's a sample of the lyrics that really hit home for me.

Held-Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling.
We're asking why this happens to us,
Who have died to live, it's unfair.
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell,
We'd be held.


Blessings-Laura Story
What if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?